Archive for the ‘Just Plain Weird’ Category

Now, THIS Freaks Me Out

Tuesday, September 4th, 2007

Remember I listed 10 things that freak me out the other day? Remember that? Well, I got one of those right in the face today.

I decided to make myself a sandwich this morning, so I opened a brand new jar of mayo. I cut off the seal and opened it expecting to find one of those protective lids you have to peel off, but instead, I found a jar with no protective seal and the entire top of the mayo looked like it had been used several times. There were clear markings in it from a knife or something.

Look, I know I’m generally paranoid, but I’ve been getting Hellmanns for years and for quite sometime, they’ve put a seal under the plastic cap and when you open the vacuum seal, you get fresh mayo with no marks in it. This was a different story.

Needless to say, it went in the garbage and I had a dry sandwich.

Very Very Bad Toys

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

Someone compiled a list of these really bad toys. Here are a couple of my favorites.

Little Legless Annie

I’m calling this one “Little Legless Annie.” Who was the genius that thought a prosthetic-limbed doll was a good idea? To quote The Donald, “You’re fired.”

Dora the Dildo

Ah, the Little Dora Dildo. What little girl doesn’t remember baby’s first vibrator?

Twister Sheets

This would actually make a funny bachelorette gift, but sheets for kids. I’m guessing the mommy that gives this to her son is the same one that gives Dora to her daughter.

Hulk Penis

Apparently, EVERYTHING on this doll was built to scale. How priceless is the look on that girl’s face?

I Have No Idea

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea.

Catfish Noodling

Monday, January 22nd, 2007

Hard to decide what is weirder - the girls grabbing catfish out of a lake with their bare hands or the twangly little ditty that accompanies this video.

Caution! Non-Edible Baby Inside

Sunday, January 21st, 2007

I see a lot of weird things at the grocery store: odd foods, strange people, kumquats. But, today, I honestly had to look at this box two or three times before I could comprehend what I was reading.

Near the front register, there is normally a table with some baked goods - sweets mostly. I’m guessing the store puts them there thinking people standing in line might be tempted. Probably a pretty good strategy. Today, there were a number of Mardis Gras “King” cakes stacked up on the table. I had no idea what the hell King cakes were, but I assumed they had something to do with Martis Gras given the hideous colors used for the icing.

As I approached the table, I noticed a large warning label on the side of the box that said the following:

Caution! Choking Hazard. Non-Edible Baby Inside.

I must’ve read that 10 times trying to wrap my brain around the statment. So many questions flew threw my mind. A couple others standing in line saw me staring perplexed and noticed the warning themselves. We all found this extremely amusing. With all the questions popping up for me, I realized that there were three that were most vexing.

1. What kind of cake has a non-edible baby in it?
2. Why would the warning say “baby” when it is just a small plastic figurine? Why not just say, “small plastic figurine?”

and most importantly…

3. If this cake has a non-edible baby, does that mean there is a cake that has an edible baby???

Apparently, this is part of the Mardis Gras tradition right along with flashing your boobs for beeds and drinking multi-colored substances until you puke off of your balcony. So, next time you decide to get a cake, make sure and ask for the one without the non-edible baby. Personally, I’d make sure there wasn’t an edible baby in there either, but that’s just me. I’m a fussy eater.

(sadly, my cameraphone was at home or you KNOW I’d have a photo)

Mmmmm…Chinese Stamps

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

Who buy’s the stamps you have to lick? Don’t we all get the peel-off backing kind? Hasn’t technology allowed us to come out of the dark ages of licking things indiscriminately for the purpose of adhesive? What year is this?

Anyway, here’s a really bad idea if you are still living in the 19th century: sweet and sour stamps.

Stamps released in China to celebrate the Year of the Pig taste of sweet and sour pork.

The stamps on sale in China to celebrate the country’s New Year…When you scratch the front of the stamps, it smells of the popular chinese dish and when the back of the stamp is licked it tastes of the dish too.

Sweet and Sour Stamp

May I be the first to say, “Um, ew!” Maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t want to lick the back side of a pig and have it taste like Chinese food when I’m just trying to mail a bill to some company that hasn’t come far enough into the 21st century to allow simple online billing through my bank protecting me from dangerous hand cramps that come directly from having to spell out the dollar amounts in cursive on my checks.

Cursive…pfft. Besides making your wedding invitations look like they cost $50 each, what purpose does it serve? Sorry…back on topic.

Now, if you made a sweet and sour scented envelope that, when opened, wafted the gentle aroma of greasy stir fry kitchens into the nostrils of the unsuspecting credit card company government taxing agency fine lending institution representative, I’d be down with it. Where can I get one of those?

[thanks, b, for the killa link]

High Fidelity…the Musical?

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

Um…what?

Every Kid Wants One This Christmas

Sunday, December 3rd, 2006

Dr. Laura DollForget the Wii. No need for the PS3. Ignore iPod’s and Barbies and educational toys. Walk right past the clothing and tennis shoes. This Christmas, all the cool kids want the Dr. Laura action figure.

Dr. Laura is not only one of the most popular radio personalities in America, she is also a best selling author of 14 books, including 4 children’s books. Best known for her no-nonsense approach to parenting and her unwavering commitment to children, Dr. Laura always believes everyone should “go do the right thing”.

The Dr. Laura Action Figure stands 11 inches tall and is packaged in a display box that includes her biography and photos from her personal collection. Dr. Laura herself was involved in the creation of the doll to ensure that this action figure is as true to life as possible.

Below are only a few of the 23 different phrases that the highly anticipated Dr. Laura action figure says when you press her button.

“…proud mother of an American soldier.”
“…argue with me. It makes me testy.”
“…this is the hill you want to die on?”
“I am my kid’s mom.”

Batteries included.

First, I just want to say that I am thrilled this is not a blow up doll. If that were the case, I might never have had sex again. Second, I’d like to point out that one of the catchphrases included both in the doll and on the box is, “Now, go do the right thing.” No doubt, Dr. L picked this up from her close friend and fellow Democrat Spike Lee. Good for her.

Lastly, it says that you get to hear her phrases when you “press her button.” No one should know how to push Dr. Laura’s “button.” That’s just nasty. Unless they mean pissing her off. In that case, by all means.

So, go ahead and give your daughter a Dr. Laura doll this Christmas instead of Barbie or some other meaningless toy. Your daughter and her therapist will thank you for it later…assuming she will ever speak with you again after giving her such a crappy gift.

Lost: One Outdoor Patio Table

Saturday, November 25th, 2006

Ok, this may be the weirdest thing I’ve ever had pilfered.  I noticed today that someone has stolen my round, chrome Ikea patio table from my front porch, but left the two chairs.  What the hell?

I’m not so much angry as confused.  I have so many questions.

  • Why MY table?  There are many tables and chairs on porches around here, most more expensive than mine and virtually all with no fences around the front yard.
  • Why just the table?  What, are the chairs not good enough for you?
  • When the hell did you do it?  I mean, a whole table right off my front porch???

Now, I have these two lonely patio chairs just sitting on the front porch.  I’m really hoping that I will start getting pictures of my table sitting on porches all over the globe.  If not, I’ll be sorely disappointed.

Cello Sounds So Much Better as Metal Guitar

Monday, November 20th, 2006

Nothing, not even my mention of the Twisted Sister Christmas album, could prepare any of us for this…

AHHHHHHHHHH, look at all the SCARY people…

Now the Carpet Can Match the Drapes

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

I really wish I could make this crap up. If I could, I’d be wealthier or funnier, probably just funnier, but who knows? Seriously, this is damn funny.

Pubic hair coloring…I’m not kidding.

Betty

If you think a brown betty is an apple tart, you may not want to read further.

That’s not the meaning ascribed by Betty Beauty, a New York startup that is getting big PR play by marketing hair color for the nether regions. Billed as “color for the hair down there,” the company began really building buzz this summer with a brief appearance on the “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” and mentions in magazines such as Vogue, W and People Style Watch.

Distribution so far is only in about 300 salons and beauty stores and via the website Bettybeauty.com. But helped along with a publicity push from LaForce & Stevens, New York, traffic to Bettybeauty.com, as measured by Alexa.com, was on pace last week for 2 million visits annually, running well ahead of Procter & Gamble Co.’s Clairol.com and climbing toward that of L’Oreal’s website.

That’s despite the fact that founder Nancy Jarecki’s first, and to date only, advertising expenditure was a $1,995 full-page ad in the official publication of the Cosmoprof beauty trade show in Las Vegas in July. By the time she registered for the show, the ad had already created enough buzz that several people around the table were asking her about it. The ad also helped draw the “Leno” team, which was taping a segment at the show. “It was just banter,” she said, along the lines of “It’s Betty — color for the hair down there.”

But it was enough to draw thousands of visits from people who did online searches even before her site was taking orders, Ms. Jarecki said. Mentions in magazines, on drive-time radio and on the website DailyCandy.com followed this summer and fall.

The whole thing started with Ms. Jarecki’s visits to a hair salon in Rome, where she was living three years ago. She noticed as women left the salon, the colorist would discreetly slip them little brown bags. “They would receive it with such delight, kiss kiss, and away they would go,” she said.

Curious, she asked the receptionist what the women were getting in those little bags and was told, in Italian, “to match down there.”

“I thought, ‘Of course, who wouldn’t want to be a true blonde?”‘ Ms. Jarecki said.

Well, OF COURSE! Except you aren’t a “true blonde” unless you were born with it, but whatevs.  Listen, ladies, I’d just like to offer you both my concern and condolences for the things you feel you must put yourself through for the sake of looking attractive.

I know we men are often difficult people with strange and bizarre likes and dislikes. But, one man’s thigh-high leather boot is another man’s landing strip I always say.  Yes, rubber corsets are uncomfortable and nipple rings painful. And while many women, no doubt, do these things for their own gratification, I can’t help but feel sorry for the woman whose significant other says…

“You know honey, what I’ve always wanted is to date a REAL redhead…you know what I mean?  So, you think you could get some of that new pubic hair coloring stuff for me, can ya?  Oh, and do they make spray-on freckles?”

Sigh. We men are strange and frightening creatures although I’m not sure if that is as frightening as the thought of coloring your private areas for decoration.  Too each his own…black, brown or “fun,” whatever the hell that is.